Going deep

As I mentioned before I've been reading Jillian Michael's new book "Unlimited". I haven't finished it but yesterday on the plane home I had a bit of an aha moment which I'll get to in a minute. I have a feeling this will be a long post so I apologize in advance.

The last time I posted I talked about being a bit bored with my routine. I don't think that was completely the truth. Well it was at the time but the more I think about it I think I'm heading more in the direction of self sabotage as I'm seeing some behaviours of the past starting to come back.

Last week I bought a 3 month journal and dropped my goal weight by 5 pounds to 135 on the Target Weight app on my iphone, I was looking for different thinking that would shake me up a bit. It hasn't been working.

This past week my tracking has been random and I already told you workouts have been sporadic. So while reading this book I got to the part where Jillian talks about fear of failure and when sabotage or giving up are the easy out.

In my history with WW 168 was the lowest weight I hit after starting at 204lbs, as you know for the past few months I've been slowly making my back there and for the past 4 weeks I've been bouncing around just over 168. The past history of hitting 168 was I got there (Yippee) then I slowly gained and a year and a bit later I was at 196.2.

Reading sections of Jillian's book made we think a little deeper. She does talk about going back and figuring out what causes the blockage because we are a product of our environment.

I have been the chubby kid all my life to varying degrees of chubby. When I look at pictures of me a little kid I wasn't obese but definitely a little bigger than all my little friends. My parents certainly did the best they could but both them experienced WWII (my mom was 42 and dad was 50 when I was born). They both experienced true hunger not knowing where the basic necessities to live would be coming from and knowing it could be wiped out in a heart beat.

They eventually immigrated to Canada and had me. Something they never lost was food is not to be wasted in other words there was no such thing as not cleaning off your plate. My Dad was all about control but my Mom not at all. She thought a soup bowl of whip cream was a perfectly acceptable snack for her and I...each. I'm not blaming my Mom at all, she just did what she thought was right. Portion sizes were not something that factored into my family's meals. For Mom it was sweets and for Dad it was meat and potatoes. Then my parents started to fight and I think that's the moment food became comfort. When I was 13 they seperated. Which still to this day I thought a good thing. However during that time I started to get a bit bigger as even though I thought it was a good idea it's still  traumatic for a kid. Mom was now my primary care taker and completely in control of my food.

My relationship with food has always been emotional which I did learn from my mother. If I was having a bad day or she was having a bad day well the meals of the day would be a bit more decadent. I did let my weight affect my self esteem and I spent a good chunk of my life trying to be invisible. I stayed at the same weight for a long time probably about 30-35lbs more than ideal. Then my Dad got sick with colon cancer by far the scariest period in my life and I spent all my time near the hospital. Thankfully Dad came through just fine. I probably gained 25lbs during that thanks to stress, hospital food, restaurants and fast food places because when he was in the hospital I never left his side.

Fast forward to when Mom was diagnosed with dementia and passed away. That was rough on a whole different plane. You don't get better from that it's just going to get worse and it did where she didn't know who I was and when she passed away I mourned twice. The first time was the mother I knew as she was just a shell when she passed. The second time was the corporal being. Food became comfort once again.

What life is without a whole whack of emotions?  

I was doing WW the whole time but the focus wasn't there so I stopped for awhile and then I went back and that's when I finally made my way to 168. Then I think the fear hit me. All my life I had been chubby I didn't know myself as a skinny person. I was still 28lbs from goal but I had lost 36 at the time so I was past the halfway mark and I freaked out. Then I started to gain and gave up on meeting and went online. I did online for about a year. During that time life happened I changed careers (emotional) and I had break ups (how can I possible be happy with someone else if I'm not happy with me).

I thought online would be more convenient and for many it is. I got lazy, I thought I knew the plan in and out and I did I just didn't follow it. I finally realized I needed the accountability of someone else's scale and I went back to meetings and started my journey again at 196.2lbs.

Here I am back at that 168ish mark and find myself sabotaging myself again. Emotions have been a factor it was the 9th anniversary of my Mom's passing last week topped with my furnace stopped working sometime last week so I came home to a 10c house yesterday (it's repaired and I now have heat) I had ice cream and cookies for supper. For the past week it's like I threw the program out the window for no good reason. The good part is I can recognize this behaviour now.

In other areas of my life I'm fantastic. I went back to school, I got my CHRP designation, I love the company I work for and I love my job. So besides being single, the weightloss thing is the only thing not done. It's my final hurdle and it's a big one as it's tied to my identity and self esteem. I know I want it and I need to kick the fear.

I feel like the universe is talking to me as I start reading this book and everywhere I go there seems to be an article or a mention of accomplishing your goals and facing your fears.

I don't expect weigh in to be great. I stepped on my scale and 171 was looking back at me. I think I'm a cross roads sort of. I know I can do this so I need reconcile my logical brain with my emotional brain before I find myself back at 196 or 204. Getting healthy isn't scary and what's holding me back is ridiculous as it's me. I'm in Operation Butterlfy, I've spent far to long being a caterpillar.

You all know I love a re-focus so that's where I'm at right now.

I don't care what the scale says tomorrow, it's going down from here.

Thanks to all of you for being a sounding board and a constant source of support.

Hugs!