Thursday, October 29, 2009

Defining Moments and a wee bit random

Been out after work the last few times and haven't had time to blog...sorry about that.

It's been a bizarre couple of days getting back into the swing of my normal job after all the changes we've gone through. I'm surviving but I realized today something was bugging me as my eating has been stupid. I'm a total emotional eater and bad food decisions tend to tune my conscious brain to my unconscious brain. I'm not crazy about some of the changes and it will take me awhile to get comfortable.

I return to site on Monday and that's different too as I now support an additional group. This new group is rather high maintenance so I'm sort of building up my armor just in case. Not the best attitude to have I realize, but I'm tired and dealing the best way I can.

I finally watched Biggest Loser tonight and was a balling mess for the last half hour with Abby's departure. If you don't watch the show Abby was the one who had the most profound effect on me. She lost her husband, baby and young daughter in a car accident 5 miles from her home by someone who was speeding 2.5 years ago. I can't begin to imagine how one deals with that. I found her very inspiring from the whole dust yourself off and get back up philosophy. If I was her, I don't think I'd get up for a very long time. The thing that totally got to me was when she said she found life again.

It was a strange episode for me. The way probe into why contestants became overweight. As the black team was debating who went home and Abby gave all the reasons why the others needed to stay. She could go home because she found life again.

That truly got me thinking what's my reason for being overweight. I've never put any effort into that before as it's always been about fixing it not figuring out what got me here. I think it comes down to seeking the solace of food because I've never felt good enough, no pretty enough, not smart enough. My logical brain thinks that's incredibly stupid and to get over it. Unfortunately the logical brain is easily over thrown by the emotional brain. I've been in a funk for the past few months like I'm stuck. The stressful summer I had and the stuff that's been going on has made me hit the overload level. It doesn't help that I internalize everything. Tonight it all sort of hit me. What am I doing? If I want to truly live I need to get healthy.

On to other things - Had a fabulous lunch with H-Woman on Wednesday. Saw "This is it" Wednesday night and I was totally prepared to think it was stupid but it was really good. You forgot about the wacko jacko and saw the musical genius of the old MJ.

Thanks for letting me pour all that out and that's all I got for today.


1 comment:

H-woman said...

Damned emotional stuff. Totally gets in the way, doesn't it?

H =)