Friday, May 03, 2013

A sense of ennui

I say ennui because it's not full out boredom or sadness, it's more a weariness I've been feeling for awhile actually a long while. I recognize it and how I need to get out of it. I can see my way out of it just the journey has been hard. It almost inspired another letter to myself but I've done that twice.

I'm on the cusp of some new things that do show me a rope to dig myself out of my self imposed hole.

The big part is the new job, the other big part is in one month I turn 41. I distinctly remember thinking before I turned 40 that I was going to get this weight loss thing done by the time I turned 41...yeah that didn't happen. I also remember thinking that at 30...

I'm still single with no kids, a handful of friends and I still need to lose weight.  I find my sense of self so tied to my weight. Yet I know I'm capable of completing this challenge that's dogged me for my entire life.

I don't want to go down the road of why have I wasted so much time with the weight loss and that so many could have lost what I need to lose by now. Of course they could also have regained and lost and regained at lost so perhaps I should be thankful that I haven't done that.

However it's 2 years since I was at my lowest weight and that was a few months into my fly in fly out schedule maybe the camp life, crazy hours, what can be a fairly stressful job add in not having 100% control over my food helped the slow creep back up.

Yet I still have faith that I can do this so that let's me know I still can and I still will.

Today I had to head into head office to attend a meeting. This trip felt different as I know I'll be back in that building in 2 months. I did have an office in that building for a brief period before. It was before I went into my current job and before the floors were renovated.

Today I walked through the company gym. It's way bigger then the old one and a bit of a deal at $10 per pay period ($20/mth). One thing I noticed walking through the gym was that everyone who was working out was super fit. I had thought to join when I returned to the building but then I started thinking of my Spa Lady membership that I kept while as site as it was pretty cheap at $22/ mth.

Yes the gym on the 3rd floor is handy but so far I've only used the Spa Lady one sporadically as one I only have access Fri - Sun but it would be on way home every day when I'm back working downtown. It's open later, has more classes and doesn't make me feel intimidated (which is what I felt when I walked through the work gym today).

Tomorrow I go to weigh in happy that it's a new week as it feels like a clean page and a firm grip on a rope to brighter thoughts.


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