Down but not out

Well Hello my friends,

 

Hope all is well with you. It’s been over a week since I posted and it’s been quite the rollercoaster hence no posting, this might be long but it helps me get my head straight.

 

Last time I wrote it was the eve of weigh in and I have to say it was a great weigh in down 2.6lbs last Saturday and entered a new decade that I haven’t seen in a while.

 

Of course the meeting topic was fit clubs and I threw out an idea to virtually walk/ run across Canada.

 

My leader divided us up and my corner for the virtual walk had the most people, I was honored.

 

I was voted team leader so I gave them my email address as I needed some time to think how we’d do this. I did suggest that anything with a distance counted i.e. bike, elliptical, treadmill – walk or run.

 

I did find info on distance thanks to a friend pointing me in the right direction on Transcanadahighway.com.  It essentially tells me how many KM between cities so if we go from Victoria, BC to St. John’s, Newfoundland is 7821 KM/ 4860 miles.

 

With 3 people reporting in before this Saturday’s meeting we were already well on our way to Nanaimo. Since the meeting I’ve had a few more report in.

 

I suggested we do this until the end of September or until we reach St. John’s, Newfoundland.

 

I did ask my leader last week if we could post a map and track out progress. She said yes but said they may need to take it down between meetings.

 

The other thing I wanted to do last Saturday was pick up the Garmin Forerunner 110 that I won. My friend and I head out the location that’s way south and I’m told they don’t have them and that they were shipped back to head office so I needed to call on Monday. I did and was told they were in the store the whole time. I got them to ship it to a store closer to me and I picked it up this Saturday.

 

The other big thing last week is I started group grief counselling yesterday. I felt off all day last Mondayand that was also due that time of the month so I was super snacky between the hormones and emotions. I knew what I was doing yet didn’t care pretty much erasing all my work from last week.

 

It was a rather surreal and overwhelming experience, the group is big and it

seems the majority had lost a parent. What surprised me where the people who suffered the loss years ago, of course there were some like me who had it happen more recently but I did think good for them for seeking this out when they were ready.

 

We had to go around the room and say our name, who passed, the circumstances and what we were hoping to get out of the sessions. I was 5th to go and I noticed that everyone started out well but tears would fall. I was no different. I think I got past saying “my Dad” when the tears started. I squeaked out he was 90 when I got to circumstances and unlike most of the circumstances I heard up to that point it was more just the end, it wasn’t cancer or a stroke or a heart attack, the coroner said underlying cause hypertension which is pretty normal at that age. I appreciated the counsellor saying that just because the person had a long life that doesn’t lessen the loss.

 

I hated it when people would say “oh he had a long life”. I just wanted to tell them all to shut up as that wasn’t helpful. Don’t try to justify the loss as it was better when they just kept to “I’m sorry for your loss”.

 

A recurring theme with each person was they didn’t really have anyone to talk to about what they were feeling, I get that. You don’t want to burden others with your grief so even if they say they’re willing to listen, often it’s still difficult. I have interactions with people around me especially at work that imply I should be moved on or superficially care. Of course I have friends who do really care but again you don’t want to burden them. I truly appreciate having an opportunity like this available to me. I think the major thing I took from yesterday was there is no time line. One counsellor said this is the one thing in life where there is no reward for fast.

 

It was only week 1 but they told us that week 4 is memento week and we bring something of our loved one. I have no clue what to bring, yes of course a picture but I sort of want to bring my Dad’s Bible. He got the Bible when he first immigrated to Canada in 1959 and it was the first thing that hit me as important to get from his house. I think it would inspire me to talk about the sacrifices he made to come to Canada and build a new life.

 

They also said we’d be put into smaller groups for some activities. I’m really hoping I don’t get into a group with the guy sitting across from me. He was young and every time he talked he would speak in solutions and impersonally i.e. you need to keep positive. It was all worded in advice which sort of stuck out as everyone was talking about their personal experiences. Of course again it was day one so perhaps I’m being harsh, but you feel pretty vulnerable in the first session and when I feel vulnerable the last thing I want is advice. I just need to feel and process.

 

Well this experience hit me hard as it brought up so many feelings. I stopped tracking and fell off the wagon. That takes us to my meeting on Saturday where I gained back 2.4lbs of the 2.6 I lost the week before. Our leader wasn’t there so I’ll post the map of the virtual walk next week. I was going to actually miss next week due to a shopping road trip but then I cancelled the road trip as I have a commitment to my Fit Group.

 

So annoyed with myself but this weekend wasn’t any better well Saturday was fine but yesterday wasn’t. I ordered pizza and earlier had not one but two muffins it was just ridiculous that by last night I sat down with my journal and asked myself what was I doing. On a good note I did hit the indoor track 3 times last week so a part of me is still invested.

 

I wrote “why are you trying to commit slow suicide”, that’s essentially what I’m doing. By sabotaging myself I increase my chances of bringing on all those horrible things related to weight like cancer, diabetes, heart disease. Let’s face it I’ve been doing WW for a long time so enough already get to goal.

 

I thought about the excitement of my new friends in WW who are so excited about this virtual walk across Canada.

 

I thought this no way to honour my parents or give thanks for being on this planet.

 

A bad week does not define the journey so I’m picking myself up and dusting myself off and getting back in the wagon. My next group appointment is tomorrow but I will not eat my emotions.