What is normal

So I last wrote to you on my Dad’s birthday.

I took the photo above a few days ago as I thought it was cool that my footsteps were the first in the fresh snow but it has come to mean so much more. I now walk alone. 

Right after posting I started to second guess going to dinner theater with my friends as I just became more melancholy. All the Christmas stuff picking up isn't helping either.

Well a surprise announcement and a texted teaser photo from one friend got me off the couch and out the door to dinner and in retrospect I’m happy I went. I had a good time and it was good fun.

Now to last Sunday and the talk with the psychic, I have spoken to this psychic before back in May and at that time she told me that in regards to relationships I give off the friend vibe – which is totally true. I usually find it inconceivable that a man will find me attractive so I automatically default to buddies. I have always been like that and that’s deeply rooted to my self-esteem.

Well this time I mostly talked about my Dad, and asked if he was ok. That got answered with what do you think? Now let me preface by I do believe in God and Heaven and respect that not everyone shares those beliefs. I strongly believe you are entitled to believe whatever you want.

I told her about the light in my window at the time he passed and at that moment I knew he came to say good bye. I know he’s in a far better place. I told her about the guilt I harbor that he died alone and that all those emergency services people tracked through his house which wasn't in the condition that he would receive visitors. That I second guess every decision as we talked about some things he wanted but not everything that I only realize now.

I told her that I feel lost and how I’m going to Japan for Christmas.

She thought that Japan was an interesting choice; I do realize a picked a country known for isolation and where I don’t speak the language. I kind of did that on purpose plus somewhere I've never been before.

The first thing she said was – you need to go to grief counselling. You’re feeling misplaced guilt. On some level I know that, he died exactly where he wanted to. When I think about what would I have done differently it’s more for me then him. I allowed him to keep is dignity. 

I've certainly heard the grief counselling recommendation a few times from friends and a lot of that is based on having no immediate family. One friend said she felt I should go because I was dealing with everything by myself.

I didn't go to grief counselling when my Mother died but that situation was so different to me plus Dad was the one who took care of final arrangements. It’s not that I never considered it after Dad passed. I just seemed to have this never ending to do list but now I realize it’s time to look after me.  In a way fate is making me as the crazy winter weather is stopping anything house related and certainly won’t sell in winter.

The tears come often lately and I’m ready to pursue it now. I signed up for it today; it doesn't start till the end of January. Which in away is good as January will be nuts alone with going off to Disneyland then work commitment travel.

For the past 6 months I've tried to get back to normal and I'm tired. Then it hit- me what is normal anymore, my old normal is just that old. My old normal was talking to my Dad every day. Oh I still talk to him, he just doesn't answer back. I need to figure out my new normal. 

The new job is finally starting to feel a bit more fun. I started writing a positive action oriented journal entry before I go to bed at night. 

I looked for books the other day as I need something to get me through this season. I found one called “Midlife Orphan” that spoke to me as that’s what I am now. I was actually surprised to find one focused on adults losing their parents. I’m hoping to get it before I leave for Japan. It wasn't available on Kobo or I would have downloaded it right away.

On the Japan front thanks to Twitter I got in touch with a Canadian who now lives in Tokyo so I’m getting tips. I’m doing well with the Pimsleur language CDs and picking a few things up. Actually surprising myself with how much I remember between lessons but languages have always been my thing.

Next is to dig a little deeper into the guide books and highlight my must see things. I definitely think I’ll be heading to Tokyo Disney on Christmas Day. It will probably be nuts but I've been to Disneyland on enough long weekends to be ok with nuts.

In other news a few weeks ago I won a prize pack from the Canadian Olympic Team and The Bay, well the other day a hoody arrived, which I thought was fantastic. 

 I was totally surprised to see a box on my door step today, more things arrived. 

They not only sent me the hoody but today there was a scarf, toque, mittens, t-shirt and jacket. Perfect for Tokyo, I'll be a beacon to other Canadians.