A whole new chapter on a completely new level.

Well I got a huge surprise on Tuesday, I was packaged out.

Didn't see it coming at all, took me totally by surprise but mind  you it was a package and a tremendous amount of outplacement support.

I then got wind of others let go as well so I can only guess the restructuring finally hit my group. I've seen it happening in other area and always figured it would hit us soon enough and tada. Is it sad that I felt better finding out I wasn't the only one.

I will not say one bad thing about my old company, I learned a lot and met great people and can only look at this as a new opportunity.

Of course emotions have been all over the place. My survival instinct kicked in. I secured references, updated my resume and already applied for 2 jobs just because they closed while I'm at Disney World. Sent my resume to my old boss to take a look at it.

Last night my mind was all over the place:

I just bought a car! - It's ok you have the money and this will actually open up opportunities as you won't need to rely on transit or have to take 2 buses and a train or something like that.

OMG I booked 6 months of yard work - it's o.k you can swing it and it's still good to get the lawn in good condition. Plus this frees you up to take care of Dad's house.

OMG I have runs booked from now till November - it's o.k they are all paid for including the travel, we will find a new job that is ok with those long weekends

I do feel this is going to be a new adventure and a new opportunity to learn more. Spread my wings I guess.

My gym membership is paid for the year, I can check out all the classes I couldn't otherwise. Heck I could focus a whole lot of time on me getting fitter. I'll keep WW. I remember years ago when I had to job hunt WW got cut but I think it's a priority for me so I don't wallow. Last time I wallowed and almost gained every pound back.

I was touched by the outpouring of support messages I got, I'm happy I left a positive impression.

God will never give you something you can't handle.

It could be worse this could have happened 10 months ago and I'd be 100% wrapped in grief and having to look into a new job. It could be really worse and not get a package, by getting a package this means without cause.

I'm blessed that financially I'm ok for awhile if need be but I won't wait to get hunting as you never know when the right opportunity comes your way.

I do leave for Disney World tomorrow so I'll be in the happiest place on earth.

Today I also go the final assessment on my Dad's taxes so I can go onto the final step - the clearance certificate. The first anniversary is 8 weeks away, I can't believe a year has almost passed.

Heck having the vehicle may mean I don't need to rent a bin, just do mini trips and room by room haul the garbage back home to dispose of. I'm planning on doing an estate sale at any rate before I deal with any furniture. Then even look at donating items that are in good condition. The first pass will be for stuff I want to keep and I know that's minimal. By keeping it to shorter trips that might be better for me anyway as it freaks me out staying there for long periods. It's very very isolated and way too quiet.

Of course I'll be more mindful with spending.

I know I need to stay focused and positive. I could not sleep last night my mind was spinning so I started reading Robin Sharma's Greatness guide. It was just what I needed. The chapters are short but I felt better as I read. I'll keep reminding me of this.

My mind would go down a dark path, I now have no family and no job but no that does not define me. I define me.

So let this completely new chapter begin - first up Expedition Everest Challenge at Disney World. I guess the timing couldn't have been better. Then when I get home I will put together the plan.

I know a new adventure is just around the corner

What a week

What a week.

 

It was the first full work week in a while as I took that last two Fridays off so I woke up on Wednesday thinking it was Thursday. A bit of a disappointment that’s for sure.

 

Tuesday was the last group grief counselling session and they asked us to plan a get together on our own. I’m conflicted about that as part of me feels that I’m in a far better place now than I was when I started.

 

In the group people are still in different stages understandably as grief is different for everyone.

 

I am kind of happy to have my Tuesday nights back as I head into half marathons roughly 4-6 weeks apart. We do have a date and time booked so I’ll probably go to the first one and see.

 

When we wrap up we do a sort of round table and I said that despite the randomness of how we all got together based on each having a traumatic event, I really appreciated all of their support and sharing of their situations. Further down some one said it’s not random it was meant to be. I get that.  The thing holding me back from being part of a continuing group is the continual reminder of loss, it’s not like I don’t think about my Dad or my Mom on a regular basis.

 

This week has been a bit bananas at work as we wrap up the last of the big projects for the year.

 

While this job and my last job involved getting people to do things by a due date, I find the people I deal with now who should know better are sometimes far more difficult to herd. In fact yesterday was particularly painful. I really try to be attentive and respond to requests quickly so it drives me a little bonkers when I don’t receive the same.

 

I’m noticing a very cold shoulder from one group who I had to tell had more work to do.

 

I realize I need to let that go and I’ve been really focusing on keeping positive, being kind and polite, like thanking the guy handing out the free Metro every morning at the train station.

 

Life is too short to hold grudges.

 

When I went home last night I was still really rattled, disappointed and a bit mad that someone else was jeopardizing my project. That did result in some stupid food decisions like Doritos, mac n cheese, ice cream and a beer. Oh yes because I skipped the gym which probably would have been a better idea to work out the anger.

 

I’ll be at the gym tonight after all weigh in is tomorrow.

 

Tomorrow is off to the Calgary Expo, Calgary’s version of comic con. I’m heading into it a wee disappointed as two of the actors I really wanted to see cancelled. None of the seminars are all that appealing to me either. This is the tough part you buy the passes before all that is locked down.

 

It started on Thursday and they’ve been posting pictures of costumes, wow the creativity is amazing and the effort people put in absolutely incredible. Feeling a wee intimidated as me and my R2D2 hoody are not quite up to snuff.

 

I don’t even know if I’ll go on Saturday and Sunday we shall see. I do have the goal to experience as much as I can.

 

Next week will be short as I’m leaving at noon on Wednesday to try and nap before my red eye flight to Toronto on to Orlando for Expedition Everest Challenge.

 

I should start packing this weekend too.

 

Have a great weekend everybody!!

 

 

 

A new chapter

I did it, I went and bought a car today well more specifically an SUV. Yes in my defense after this past winter and the fact I do need to go to a rural area plus thinking about getting a dog more specifically a German Shepherd it made sense to go for an SUV.

My sales dude was great, I asked intelligent questions and think we bonded in some way. There was one close to what I wanted in the city but it has a sunroof. I have no interest in a sunroof, mostly based on the fact that I've had skin cancer so open windows above my head not something I enjoy and we can get monster hail storms, and probably more importantly I don't see myself using it so not so interested in window on the roof and it would cost more moolah.

So now it's being factory ordered and should look about like this, it's being built somewhere in North America. They'll let me know when it gets on a train and it's journey to the dealership. Holy guacamole I bought a car today. Best guess right now is end of May.

Finally a home for these which I bought last summer, though I'm now thinking Vader and Yoda will go on the back windshield. Princess Leia will have another home. It bugs me that she doesn't have a lightsaber, as in the books following Return of the Jedi she does become a Jedi.

One of my friends called this the next chapter and in so many ways I'm entering a new chapter, not just the car it's a new chapter in my whole life as right now the only person I need to take care of is me.

It's taken me awhile to get my head around that. Like I said the other day the fog is lifting.

I feel a new different kind of motivation to get this weight loss battle over with. That's a big part in the taking care of me. I picked up another book by John Izzo, Second Innocence, it's about rediscovering the sense of wonder we tend to replace by cynicism as we grow older. I decided to finish this book before I finish the 5 lessons we must learn before we die.

This is all tieing together for me.
.
Figuring out who I am. Focusing on the positive and never taking a moment for granted.

At WI I was down 1 lb which was awesome as I never stepped into the gym once last week. That changes this week. Actually my gym is open regular hours tomorrow as Easter Sunday is not a statutory holiday (Good Friday is). I'm planning to go in as I need to do my weight routine and I think it will be good to get a wee more familiar with the weight set up on a slower day.

I have a half marathon in 6 weeks and head off to the Expedition Everest Challenge in less than 2 weeks. Next weekend is Calgary Expo but I'm a bit disappointed already. I was super excited to see Karl Urban - he dropped out, then I was super excited for Kristin Bauer (Pam from True Blood) and now she's dropped out. So we'll see what happens.

Also in my quest for the ideal gym bag I'm taking this one this week.

I love Lug bags and my go to purse is from Lug, what I like is it's easy to clean, multiple pockets and super practical. I've been using a backpack up till  now which is fine but I seem to have to wrestle it into a locker and wanted something a wee more professional looking while at the same time not heavy empty. We shall see how it goes. I fell in love with the cranberry colour. I had been watching women with them for a while and while in Starbucks I asked one woman her thoughts on the bag and it was based on her review that I ordered one.

I do want to wish all of you a Happy Easter and take care of yourselves this weekend.

The fog is lifting

This week I had my last appointment with my individual grief counsellor, she’s off to a new opportunity. She offered to transfer my file to someone else but after I finish group counselling next week I think I’ll see how it goes.

 

She did say she saw a change in me and that I seemed well lighter and brighter. I did feel a shift in the past week. For the longest time it felt like my personality was on mute and I was in a fog. The fog feels like it’s lifting, not gone but not lost in it.

 

While last week was nuts I think the remembering the funny stuff about my Dad at memento night was the key and then the inspirational key note speaker at the conference when he talked about the effects of positive actions and thoughts to the ratio of negative thoughts and actions.

 

Dr. John Izzo who was the key note on day 2 and I had the opportunity to introduce him for his follow up session wrote a book called “The five secrets you must discover before you die”, morbid title but not morbid book. He interviewed 200 people between the ages of 60 and 160 that were identified by family, friends and acquaintances as “the one person who found happiness and meaning”. They started with over 10,000 recommendations and narrowed it down to 200 based on pre-interviews.

 

The people he interviewed are from all types of backgrounds like barbers to CEOs, men and women, immigrants and native people.

 

I read half of it while waiting for group to start last night.

 

He asks things like:

What brought you the greatest happiness?

What do you wish you learned sooner?

 

There are funny parts and moving parts I’m really glad I bought it as I think it’s something I’ll go back to again and again.

 

The other giant aha shift in the last week is I decided to buy a car. Now I got my learner’s when I was 16, my license at 25 as that was when my Dad got sick and it became more of a priority to know how to drive. I have never owned a vehicle before. It was never a priority. In fact I’ve never felt the burning need to own a car. I drove Dad’s vehicles and of course more recently been renting.

 

As I thought about soon I’d be going up to his house for a week and rent again, I stopped and thought why rent again? If I buy I don’t need to worry about when I leave or when I come back or filling the tank before returning and etc.

 

I’m thinking more and more of getting a dog.

 

I kept saying well I’ll wait for the estate to be settledbefore looking for a vehicle. A big part of my delay was I had planned to buy but it was something that Dad and I would do together.

 

I did say in group last night that it’s probably best we didn’t do it together as he’d probably think some of the features I want are not necessary J I remember telling Dad his next car should have power steering. His was response what for. Then he had a car with power steering and noticed the difference.

 

I’ve been researching it for a while so I know what I want so on Saturday I’m going to see a dealer. I found a google+ review that highly recommended this one dealer so I emailed him (contact info was on the dealership website) and asked if he worked Saturdays. He responded saying he works this Saturday.

 

Yesterday I called my insurance folks to start looking at options and if bundling with my house insurance really gets me a better deal.

 

Thought about getting a personalized plate based on my Dad’s plate number but I can’t justify the $150 to Dad or myself. I do have an art project plan for his old plates.

 

So will I leave a vehicle owner on Saturday? Maybeand maybe not, we will see how it goes. I will walk away if the deal doesn’t feel right.

 

I have been asking for people’s advice and it’s kind of funny about what’s important to people. Like:

 

Make sure you play it cool– Make sure you say what you want

 

Don’t let them talk you into undercoating or paint protector

 

You should get a sunroof- But I don’t want a sunroof….what?

 

Definitely get the navigation system – don’t get the navigation system Garmin works just fine

 

…and it goes on.

 

Kind of like asking people what’s the best pizza, we all have our own convictions.

 

Last night we got coated in a nice layer of ice and itsrain/snow ice so thicker. I’m standing at the shuttle bus stop this morning with my bus buddies and said I wonder how bad it will be today with lots of people having removed their snow tires. This prompted the discussion on when should you take off your snowtires….the consensus after May long weekend (which is Victoria Day in Canada – roughly 3rd week of May) that is also my rule for planting flowers as we usually get some sort of killing frost before May long weekend.

 

I have noticed the tulips I hastily planted in fall are starting to pop up, though I think this continuous snow confuses them and the rest of us.

 

Hope your week is going well.

 

Hugs!!

 

 

Week from HE - double hockey sticks

Oy vey last week was a challenge.

Monday night was a quick rehearsal for the conference, I was there early but luckily that worked out and I got all my stuff and didn't need to wait till 5pm.

Tuesday was memento night at Group Grief Counselling, I struggled with this. One I knew it would difficult to talk about my Dad and two I had no idea what to bring. My Dad didn't like attention so I know I'd keep it simple so I took a picture off my desk. Not to mention it was also the 12th anniversary of my Mom's passing it was a rough day.

 There were less people at group counselling and I can see why this was a difficult exercise. I totally burst into tears while I was talking about my Dad and I despise crying in front of people, I felt bad as I was the first person to really lose it during their presentation but after me loads of others did so maybe I made them feel comfortable.

Earlier in the day on Tuesday I had to get hosiery for the conference so I ran to the Bay at lunch, I ran past this purse and thought this is perfect for Stampede as the whole downtown core dresses western for 10 days. There was only one so I told myself if it's still there on my way back it's mine and well it was.

Hello fringe!!

Wednesday and Thursday was the conference and I managed to introduce my 4 speakers without incident and the key note speaker on the 2nd day actually made my little grey cells snap to attention, quite frankly up till then everything seemed a little meh. On the last day I did volunteer to do the speaker selection again in 2016 (next time Calgary hosts) as I learned a lot and thought of things I'd do differently.

I took Friday off as I had some more emotional errands to run. The first one was to pick up the vase I ordered for Dad. I was a nice day so I decided to walk back to the train which was about a 30 minute walk. I passed some views I haven't taken time to admire in a while.

 Lions gate bridge, these lions used to be stone but as they were deteriorating the city removed them to a safe place and replaced them with these that are made out of stronger material, though they are still as majestic.

 A glimpse into Chinatown surrounded by downtown towers and the Chinese Cultural Centre.

 The Bow River

The iconic Calgary Tower now dwarfed by the Bow Tower and Suncor Energy Centre, it actually shoots flame from the top since we hosted the Olympic in 1988.

I also visited H&R Block to do Dad's terminal return and my tax return, I finally found someone who was well versed in terminal returns and she offered to help me with the clearance certificate step as well.

Saturday was weigh in and I was up .8, but I kind of expected that. This week I'm bound and determined for a loss. I thought about joining a summer challenge on facebook but then decided against it. I don't do well in group challenges but there's no reason I can't challenge myself.

I already made my lunch for tomorrow and it's in the fridge. It's super salad week. I'm not a fan of lettuce so my salad is tomatoes, cucumber, orange pepper, red onion, mushrooms, ham and boiled egg. Sort of my version of the chopped salad.

Tomorrow I have my last individual grief counselling appointment, originally that was scheduled for after group finished but my counsellor is off to a new opportunity and I really liked her so I'm glad I can see her again.

Tuesday is another group grief counselling and it's the 2nd last one. I can't say I've learned a lot of new things but even my individual counsellor said I had done my research on grief. I have really appreciated hearing the stories of the group though and really knowing I'm not alone.

Well I need go get laundry out of the dryer, breakfast is organized and ready to go for tomorrow.

This will be a good week.

Strength training - oh boy

Today marked my 1st strength workout of my 10 week training program.

My original plan was to go to the gym but I realized that I forgot to pack bottoms in my workout bag....oops.

However I did realize I had what I needed at home so that was my plan.

I got home changed into workout clothes and did 2 sets of the exercises and whoa am I out of shape.

It's been months since I've done any type of strength workout and it was super evident so that just fuels me even more.

Tomorrow I head back to the gym for run day 3 of this week and I'll do strength again on Saturday.  The bottoms are in the gym bag right now.

In other news I also finalized by travel details for Wine & Dine and the Avengers so 2014 is sorted with the exception of airport transfers. I was more worried about flights and hotels.

Next year I think I'll just try to do Tink and Princess (The Glass Slipper Challenge) of course if they add Star Wars I'm in for that but my focus is turning to more races inside Canada. There are some pretty cool ones like Army Run, Niagara Falls (maybe I'll attempt the full and run across the border), plus I've never done a Rock N Roll race and there is one in Montreal - I love Montreal.

I think I really want to do a Disney Cruise for Christmas, I'm still not ready to stay home for that season.

Next week in Group Grief Counselling it's momento week so I need to give that some thought.

Just short and sweet today but I do hope all of you are doing well.

Hugs!!!

Finding Patterns & Motivation

Hello my friends,

 

I was feeling a little down as I’ve now seen 2 gains back to back so I sat myself down to think about what’s changed.

 

I was on a roll. Losses for 5 weeks in a row then whammy a rather big gain and last week was a .6 gain only rescued by 3 trips to the gym.

 

Then I realized what’s different for the past two weeks.

 

Grief counselling

 

Before when I had the two individual appointments they were sporadic, this will be week 3 in a row of having these sessions and of course the group vibe is completely different.

 

I’m in a room filled with grieving people which while makes me feel comforted as they get what I’m going through but at the same time hearing their stories makes me want to hug them.

 

The good news I’ve recognized the trigger and I have another session tonight but I absolutely refuse to see a 3rd gain. I’m righting the ship my friends.

 

Even at the gym I was walking the indoor track, my plan at first was just to get used to the new surface but I kept walking never inserting a run.

 

On Monday I went back to Run/Walk ratios and I’ll admit the first few were not feeling so great but the more I took my mind of the negative and focused on staying loose and letting the muscles flow I was at 4 miles before I even knew it.

 

I’ve been reading “Why Does Olga Run” and that too is serving as inspiration, if you’ve never heard of OlgaKotelko, she’s rather amazing. She’s 95 years old and competes in track and field (Senior’s track and field but still). She does the 100m dash, javelin and long jump. Bruce Grierson is the author and it’s not just about Olga but how we age and how exercise especially strength exercise can positively impact that process.

 

I have to say strength training has not been part of my training. I have good intentions but fail on the execution.

 

I was debating on what to do, hire a trainer at the gym to create a strength routine, go through the multitude of books I have but then it hit me.

 

Last fall I signed up for a 10 week training program targeted at women over 40, I admit I wasn’t all that in to it while I found it highly educational my motivation was lacking and I realize that was part of the grief process. I’m finding it hard to believe that 9 months have passed since Dad passed.

 

This whole grief counselling thing is also bringing up memories of Mom and I find she is bringing tears to my eyes just as often as Dad is. Of course one week from today is the anniversary date of her passing.

 

Let me get back to the 10 week online training. It’s designed by Tamara Grand also known as Fitknitchick and you can find her at www.fitknitchick.com. Not only is she a pretty awesome trainer but I’m jealous of her knitting skills.

 

I kept everything from the first round of the program. I even built a binder that I call the Tamara binder. So I brushed it all off and I’m starting at week 1 and this time I will see it through till week 10. My first strength workout of Week 1 is scheduled for tomorrow as tonight is group grief counselling session 3 – half way through.

 

The 10 weeks of the training program will take me till the first week of June, just in time for the Calgary Half Marathon and my 42nd birthday.

 

I still get people who think I’m substantially younger and now I just don’t correct them J I’d like my inside to line up with my outside.

 

I do have a reward in mind for keeping to the 10 weeks.

 

I’ve been eyeing these since last Stampede

 

When I make it to week 10 they will be mine.

 

On the WW Fit Group front it seems like we had a good start and it’s starting to fizzle. From the 10 people who were interested, 6 gave numbers for Week 1. 3 gave numbers for Week 2 so far and I’m wondering if I’ll get anyone else’s for Week 3.

 

I already know I’ll keep going till I hit Newfoundlandeven if it’s on my own.

 

I did put up the map last week and asked my leader to keep it up if at all possible as I think it might get other meetings interested in joining the crew. Hey I bought a map for this.

 

The most powerful motivation is intrinsic, from the inside so that’s what I’m focusing on. Of course the boots are probably more extrinsic but hey whatever works right?

2014 Races locked & loaded

The 2014 Race season is locked in.

 

Oy vey, I signed up for the Avengers Half and Super Heroes 5K today which are the newest races in the Run Disney arsenal and happening at Disneyland. This will mean I’ll do Wine and Dine in Disney World the weekend of  November 8&9, that’s a 5K in the morning and the Half at night (10pm start time EST) then following weekend I’ll make my way to Disneyland for the Avenger Super Heroes weekend.

 

As I’m now 100% sure Dopey (5K, 10K, Half and Full consecutive days at Disney World) is not happening this year I’m now looking back thinking I’m ok with that.

 

I’ve done and will do more races this year than I’ve ever done before.

 

The crazy amount of trips to the US this year was fueled by grief and a need to have something to look forward to. I certainly don’t expect to do this again next year and instead choose travel races more carefully.

 

Never say never though, when I did a marathon in 2006 I swore I’d never do one again and now I find myself contemplating doing one again. Actually I think doing another marathon before Dopey might be a better idea for me.

 

Will I ever do Dopey, who knows?

 

Life is funny, recently a past friend suggested dinner. I say past friend as we drifted apart and have less in common than we did before in fact when we last met I got the distinct impression that the friendship had shifted. I take responsibility for that too as I didn’t really put in a whole lot of effort to keep in touch over the years. I said yes but then she was sick so we cancelled. Time passed and I suggested it again butshe cancelled again and I honestly feel it was for the best. I won’t attempt again. I wish her all the best.

 

I don’t think all friendships last a lifetime when they do it’s amazing but sometimes friends are just there for a period of your life because that’s the way it was supposed to be and that’s ok too.

 

As I get older I realize that friendships are only good when they’re mutually beneficial as in you feed each other’s positive energy, there’s nothing wrong with friendships morphing into acquaintances. With every new experience we meet new people who support where our life is at that moment.

 

Grief Group Support meeting #2 was Tuesday night and while I go to this with a feeling with dread I’m always happy when I went afterwards.

 

It looked like we were down at least 5-6 people. This time we watched a video about losing a parent. One of the people who were talking in the video lost their father to dementia. Whoa I wasn’t expecting that as that’s how I lost my mother almost 12 years ago. She talked about the feeling of relief when they pass as the person is no longer suffering, yup I felt that. She said something I never thought about before that the grieving process starts as you lose the person with dementia. The woman who died 12 years ago wasn’t my mother; she was a shell of my mother. My mother the person I knew left a few years before the corporal being. It felt like yesterday watching that video.

 

They asked us how the week went so I told them how I went to Canadian Tire on Saturday and felt weird in the store. My Dad and I always went to that Canadian Tire together starting when I was super young. I just felt off the whole time I was in the store and in the end didn’t have what I was looking for anyway.

 

We got divided into smaller groups for one part, you guessed it I got the kid I thought was annoying day one and the guy who talks forever. It was an opportunity to go deeper into our stories

 

You know I see the kid (in their 20s) in a whole new light, when I was their age my dog died and I thought that was traumatic. I can’t even imagine losing one of my parents at that age.

 

With the other guy I think I caused an aha moment. There was a lot of talk how the older generation especially European immigrants deal with grief by not talking about it. Certainly that was how my Dad dealt with it when his brother died and my mom died. I totally understand that part but this was talk about how they were going to make them talk and deal with it.

 

This inspired me to say “have you ever heard the saying you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”.

 

I then said when my Dad died the last thing I wanted was to talk about it or see people or interact face to face with anyone. I had to process it internally. I write about it more on here as to me it feels safe and it’s not a two way conversation. When I’m ready to talk, I’ll talk and now by going to counselling I’m ready to talk.

 

At the end we all go along around the room to say what we thought about that session and that’s how I think I caused a wee aha moment.

 

I really liked the smaller session as it allowed me get to know my group members better and also realize though our circumstances are different there are a lot of similarities in how we feel.

 

My aha moments were that I now know I have unresolved feelings about when Mom passed and that doing this grief counselling is probably one of the best decisions I ever made.

 

Next week the topic is the different types of grief process.

 

I always find I’m exhausted after these sessions and super tired the next day. Today I left the gym bag at home and will do yoga tonight and probably revisit the meditation DVD, and be in bed early.

 

To switch to happier news I’m so proud of my WW Fit Group who are virtually walking across Canada. We started in Victoria and blew right past Nanaimo now on our way to Hope, BC. With 6 people reporting we did 166 km. I’m really looking forward to Saturday and posting the map and using a sharpie to track our progress.

 

What doesn’t kill you make you stronger.

 

Down but not out

Well Hello my friends,

 

Hope all is well with you. It’s been over a week since I posted and it’s been quite the rollercoaster hence no posting, this might be long but it helps me get my head straight.

 

Last time I wrote it was the eve of weigh in and I have to say it was a great weigh in down 2.6lbs last Saturday and entered a new decade that I haven’t seen in a while.

 

Of course the meeting topic was fit clubs and I threw out an idea to virtually walk/ run across Canada.

 

My leader divided us up and my corner for the virtual walk had the most people, I was honored.

 

I was voted team leader so I gave them my email address as I needed some time to think how we’d do this. I did suggest that anything with a distance counted i.e. bike, elliptical, treadmill – walk or run.

 

I did find info on distance thanks to a friend pointing me in the right direction on Transcanadahighway.com.  It essentially tells me how many KM between cities so if we go from Victoria, BC to St. John’s, Newfoundland is 7821 KM/ 4860 miles.

 

With 3 people reporting in before this Saturday’s meeting we were already well on our way to Nanaimo. Since the meeting I’ve had a few more report in.

 

I suggested we do this until the end of September or until we reach St. John’s, Newfoundland.

 

I did ask my leader last week if we could post a map and track out progress. She said yes but said they may need to take it down between meetings.

 

The other thing I wanted to do last Saturday was pick up the Garmin Forerunner 110 that I won. My friend and I head out the location that’s way south and I’m told they don’t have them and that they were shipped back to head office so I needed to call on Monday. I did and was told they were in the store the whole time. I got them to ship it to a store closer to me and I picked it up this Saturday.

 

The other big thing last week is I started group grief counselling yesterday. I felt off all day last Mondayand that was also due that time of the month so I was super snacky between the hormones and emotions. I knew what I was doing yet didn’t care pretty much erasing all my work from last week.

 

It was a rather surreal and overwhelming experience, the group is big and it

seems the majority had lost a parent. What surprised me where the people who suffered the loss years ago, of course there were some like me who had it happen more recently but I did think good for them for seeking this out when they were ready.

 

We had to go around the room and say our name, who passed, the circumstances and what we were hoping to get out of the sessions. I was 5th to go and I noticed that everyone started out well but tears would fall. I was no different. I think I got past saying “my Dad” when the tears started. I squeaked out he was 90 when I got to circumstances and unlike most of the circumstances I heard up to that point it was more just the end, it wasn’t cancer or a stroke or a heart attack, the coroner said underlying cause hypertension which is pretty normal at that age. I appreciated the counsellor saying that just because the person had a long life that doesn’t lessen the loss.

 

I hated it when people would say “oh he had a long life”. I just wanted to tell them all to shut up as that wasn’t helpful. Don’t try to justify the loss as it was better when they just kept to “I’m sorry for your loss”.

 

A recurring theme with each person was they didn’t really have anyone to talk to about what they were feeling, I get that. You don’t want to burden others with your grief so even if they say they’re willing to listen, often it’s still difficult. I have interactions with people around me especially at work that imply I should be moved on or superficially care. Of course I have friends who do really care but again you don’t want to burden them. I truly appreciate having an opportunity like this available to me. I think the major thing I took from yesterday was there is no time line. One counsellor said this is the one thing in life where there is no reward for fast.

 

It was only week 1 but they told us that week 4 is memento week and we bring something of our loved one. I have no clue what to bring, yes of course a picture but I sort of want to bring my Dad’s Bible. He got the Bible when he first immigrated to Canada in 1959 and it was the first thing that hit me as important to get from his house. I think it would inspire me to talk about the sacrifices he made to come to Canada and build a new life.

 

They also said we’d be put into smaller groups for some activities. I’m really hoping I don’t get into a group with the guy sitting across from me. He was young and every time he talked he would speak in solutions and impersonally i.e. you need to keep positive. It was all worded in advice which sort of stuck out as everyone was talking about their personal experiences. Of course again it was day one so perhaps I’m being harsh, but you feel pretty vulnerable in the first session and when I feel vulnerable the last thing I want is advice. I just need to feel and process.

 

Well this experience hit me hard as it brought up so many feelings. I stopped tracking and fell off the wagon. That takes us to my meeting on Saturday where I gained back 2.4lbs of the 2.6 I lost the week before. Our leader wasn’t there so I’ll post the map of the virtual walk next week. I was going to actually miss next week due to a shopping road trip but then I cancelled the road trip as I have a commitment to my Fit Group.

 

So annoyed with myself but this weekend wasn’t any better well Saturday was fine but yesterday wasn’t. I ordered pizza and earlier had not one but two muffins it was just ridiculous that by last night I sat down with my journal and asked myself what was I doing. On a good note I did hit the indoor track 3 times last week so a part of me is still invested.

 

I wrote “why are you trying to commit slow suicide”, that’s essentially what I’m doing. By sabotaging myself I increase my chances of bringing on all those horrible things related to weight like cancer, diabetes, heart disease. Let’s face it I’ve been doing WW for a long time so enough already get to goal.

 

I thought about the excitement of my new friends in WW who are so excited about this virtual walk across Canada.

 

I thought this no way to honour my parents or give thanks for being on this planet.

 

A bad week does not define the journey so I’m picking myself up and dusting myself off and getting back in the wagon. My next group appointment is tomorrow but I will not eat my emotions.